


better

by jilliancares



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Catharsis, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Therapy, steven goes to a therapist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:47:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23382559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilliancares/pseuds/jilliancares
Summary: A handful of scenes taking place after Steven turns into a monster and before he moves away, featuring moments right after the battle, Steven's first therapy session, and him deciding to move out.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Comments: 24
Kudos: 208





	better

Steven sits on the couch, a warm cup of cocoa in hand despite the summer heat. He’s drowning in a sweatshirt — one of his dad’s — because no one had wanted him to have to run upstairs and get one of his own. He feels mortified and relieved and loved all at once.

Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot are repairing the front of the house. Steven had tried to get up and help — it was his fault, after all — but it felt like a whole army of people had forced him back onto the couch, telling him to just relax, that he didn’t have to do anything, that he deserved to rest.

Pearl’s the one who made him hot chocolate, and Connie’s the one who remade his hot chocolate when hers turned out funky. Only Pearl could mess up something as simple as hot chocolate.

Connie’s sitting beside him on the couch right now, just pressed against his side in silent comfort. Occasionally, she holds out her phone to show him a funny post on the internet, and Steven appreciates it. She’s helping him keep his mind off… everything.

Just an hour ago, he was a monster. Just an hour ago, he was wreaking havoc on the beach and fighting his friends. And then he was waking up from this hazy sort of fog, sitting on the cluster’s hand in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by love and warmth and friendship and family. Supported despite the fact that for a moment there, he’d been the greatest enemy any of them had ever faced.

Thinking about it has him wanting to shrink down and disappear, or to maybe go up to his room and hide away from all the pain and suffering he caused, but no one’s even mad at him. And part of him doesn’t want to leave, anyway. It’s been so long since he’s been surrounded by them like this, almost suffocating in their support. Somehow, despite the fact that he was sure none of them could love him after this, despite the fact that he barely even wants to face himself, they’re all still here for him.

“Steven,” White calls, and she pokes her head through the front of the house, which is still very much not repaired.

Steven tenses, ready to stand up, anxiety bubbling inside him for no good reason, but Connie places a hand on his knee.

“Yeah?”

“These are for you,” she says, and her hand sneaks in beside her face. In it, three new Diamond Bottles, filled with their essence.

Steven’s heart stops.

“You — you think I’m going to shatter someone again?” he chokes out, and everyone stops moving. Steven’s panicking. His blood is bubbling in his veins, as if he had too much caffeine, and his hands are balled into fists in the pocket of his dad’s hoodie.

“Goodness, no,” she says. “But there are more corrupted gems waiting to be reformed in your little temple, right?”

“Sure are,” Garnet answers for him, and she strides across the room to collect the bottles. “Thank you,” she says.

“Thanks,” Steven echoes.

“You’re fine,” Connie says quietly.

“I shattered Jasper,” Steven whispers. Because he can’t stop thinking about it. Because he’s sure that’s what pushed him over the edge. He’s a shatterer, now. For so long, he resented his mom because he thought she’d done the same. And he’d resented Yellow, too, because that’s what she was known for. And he’d stabbed Bismuth through the stomach and shoved her right back into a bubble when she’d suggested using the breaking point.

And now he’s no different.

“You brought her back,” Connie says firmly. “You weren’t yourself.”

“I was, though,” Steven protests. And everyone’s still bustling around, still working and repairing the house, but he gets the feeling that they’re all listening in, and he feels ten times smaller. Is this how everyone else felt when they stopped being the enemy? Lapis, Peridot, the diamonds — did they feel this sick and horrible once he’d gotten them to come around and they were faced with the wrongness of their actions?

“I felt like me, just… angry,” Steven whispers.

“And afterwards?”

“Like I was going to throw up,” Steven says, thinking back on it. “Like I was every enemy I’ve ever faced.”

“Right, and how many of them did you forgive?”

Steven shrugs.

“All of them,” Connie says seamlessly. “And we don’t even have to forgive you, because you were never our enemy. You were just suffering.”

Steven shrugs again. Connie grabs his hand.

“My mom has contacts from the hospital,” she says. “She could set you up with a therapist.”

“Because I’m crazy.”

“Because therapists are super helpful and honestly everyone should see one. I used to see one every week, after I told my parents about magic. She helped me work through a bunch of things.”

“Okay,” Steven says. “Yeah, okay. That doesn’t sound horrible.”

His dad comes down from his room, because it’s gotten messy up there while Steven’s been going crazy and he offered to clean it for him. And then he pulls out his guitar and starts strumming aimlessly, sitting on the stool by the counter. Pearl starts humming along, and Amethyst comes in through the not-door, because there still isn’t a door, with a bag of donuts in hand.

Garnet warps in, because at some point she left to do a load of Steven’s laundry — he’s let that pile up recently, too — and she and his dad start cooking a meal in the kitchen.

It takes a while, but eventually the house is repaired, and honestly, it goes by much faster with gem magic to help repair it. Steven expects everyone to stick around, because he knows they love him and want to be there for him, but the idea is honestly overwhelming, right now. But then the diamonds decide to leave, bidding him farewell, and Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth follow shortly behind them.

And then it’s just Steven and his family. And Connie, obviously, but she’s family too, at this point, failed proposal or not.

And it’s — better. It’s not perfect, because Steven still can’t stop thinking about what he’s done, and how he had a total meltdown and honestly could’ve killed even more of his friends. Because conversation stays light and happy and joking, despite the fact that they were all there, too, that they all witnessed him go insane and nearly take out Beach City.

But it’s better. It’s good.

\--

Going to the therapist is hard. Because even after what Connie said, he still feels out of his depth. And kind of crazy.

He ends up walking instead of teleporting on Lion, because he needs to time to collect himself, and he ends up being twenty minutes late, because of it. He walks in thinking the receptionist is going to turn away, and that he’s going to have to go back home and either tell everyone that he missed his appointment or lie and say that it went fine, and then he’d probably miss the next one, too, out of embarrassment, and he’d lie again, and keep lying, and it would turn into a spiral and—

But that doesn’t happen.

He walks in twenty minutes late, and the receptionist says, “Steven Universe?” and he nods numbly, feeling like everyone is staring at him — that teenage girl who’s surely saner than he is and that boy who looks much too young to be waiting in the waiting room of a therapist’s office, but then again, Connie said she used to go — and then the receptionist waves him in with a smile, telling him that Lauren is waiting for him.

Right. That’s the therapist he decided on, because Connie helped him do a lot of research, and she seemed trustworthy and nice and like maybe she could handle his crazy.

And she is nice. He walks in and she’s smiling despite the fact that he’s late. He apologizes for his tardiness and she tells him not to worry, that she was able to catch up on some emails while she waited for him, and that she’s glad he made it.

She asks him how he’s feeling and he says good, because that’s what you’re supposed to say, but it’s the wrong response this time and she must know it is too but she doesn’t press him on it. She says that they don’t have to get into everything today, that they only have to talk about what he wants to talk about, and that he doesn’t have to answer questions if he doesn’t want to.

And then Steven just… talks. It takes some time at first, because he has to keep backtracking — he has to tell her about gems and the fact that he’s half-gem, and then he ends up showing her his bubble because she seems so intrigued, and she tells him that it’s cool and that she likes the color, and Steven thanks her because… well, powers _are_ cool, aren’t they? And his bubble doesn’t feel small or oppressive and he’s not protecting himself from anything and she’s right. Powers are super cool.

So he bubbles her stapler and she doesn’t pop it because she thinks it makes a nice decoration, and she never staples anything anyway, apparently.

So Steven tells her that he honest-to-God turned into a monster and nearly destroyed his town and she asks him how that made him _feel_. And — bad, obviously. But also terrified. And embarrassed, because he didn’t want anyone to know that he was feeling that horrible. And then they start talking about insecurities and fears but they somehow come around to talking about things that make him happy and give him comfort and—

She assigns him homework. _Homework_. He’s never had homework in his life and he’s kind of excited about it. He told her that he likes music, that he likes the ukulele and writing songs and she tells him to write a song about how he feels. That he can perform it for her next week, if he feels comfortable.

And then their hour (or forty minutes, actually) is up and Steven goes home. Lion’s waiting for him despite the fact that Steven walked here and he climbs up easily, and he finds himself grinning as Lion breaks into a sprint and teleports them home.

“How was it?” Pearl asks nervously when he walks through the door.

“Good,” Steven says. “Really good.”

He’s fingers are itching to pick up a pencil. His head’s already full of rhymes and rifts, and he’s pretty sure he wants the song to start fast and end slow — like his thoughts. Like his panic that day, before everything calmed down and was suddenly fine (but not fine).

Maybe he wants to draw something, too. He hasn’t wanted to draw in forever.

“You made it in time,” Garnet says, and she totally peeked with her future vision, but Steven doesn’t even mind.

“I was late, actually, but it didn’t even matter! And she was really cool! She thought my powers were awesome. And she gave me homework!”

“Gross, homework,” Amethyst complains. Steven’s pretty sure she’s never had homework in her life. “How do you feel?”

“Emotionally raw,” Steven says truthfully. They talked about a lot, after all, and a lot of it was still fresh, but… Yeah. It feels good. It feels better.

“I’m proud of you,” Garnet says, and she ruffles his hair affectionately, but it doesn’t make him feel like a kid. He pulls her into a hug.

\--

“This one’s cool because the entire campus is beautiful,” Steven says, pointing at a pamphlet. He and Connie are sitting on his bed. Well, he’s sitting on his bed — Connie’s laying on her stomach beside him, and she looks so pretty. They got into a water balloon fight with Amethyst earlier, and her hair’s still wet and it’s getting even curlier at the ends where it’s drying. Plus, she changed into one of Steven’s old shirts — one of the red ones — because they actually still fit her. He’s almost kind of jealous.

“But _this_ one,” Steven continues, pointing at the second pamphlet, “has secret clubs that you can get into, apparently. The club members have to invite you personally, and no one even knows the names of the club, and you can’t even apply. But it’d be so cool if you got into one.”

Connie scoffs. “Out of all the freshman you think they’d randomly send me an invite?”

“Of course,” Steven says. “I’d teleport with Lion right onto your campus and then we’d have a sword fight in the quad and you’d be all over social media. They’d have to invite you.”

“I’m not sure if colleges allow swords on campus,” Connie points out.

“Then I’ll just let you take Lion to school,” Steven says. “They’ll see you riding him to class.”

Connie rolls onto her back. She smiles up at Steven, and he pokes her nose. “Maybe I should just tour them,” she points out.

“I’ll take you right now,” Steven says, only half joking.

And they don’t go, because they decide to binge-watch a show instead. But then when it’s really late, they start joking about it, getting all giggly at the proposition, and Connie points out that schools never do tours in the middle of the night, so how is she supposed to make her decision without knowing what the campuses look like at night time?

So they teleport with Lion and give themselves their own tours. Steven starts making up names for the buildings and the subjects they would teach in there, and Connie’s warm against his back and her laughter sounds like music in his ears. And things are definitely good.

\--

There’s only a month left of summer. Not that Steven’s whole life hasn’t felt like summer, but there’s only a month left before school starts. Before Connie leaves and it’s just him and the gems. Not that he can’t visit her whenever with Lion. Not that being alone with the gems is bad or anything.

It’s just… Connie’s growing up. Moving onto the next stage in her life. And Steven remembers a time when he was afraid he wasn’t going to grow up with her. When it’d been his birthday and he’d stretched himself out all day long and thought he was going to die at the end of it.

It just feels like he should be doing the next thing, too.

Not to mention, it could be good to get away from Beach City…

He sees the ocean, and he remembers standing in it — only his feet submerged as the rest of his body towered over the city, desperate to rampage. He sees the beach, and he remembers countless battles. Remembers Garnet being split in two right before his eyes. Remembers falling to Earth in a spaceship, thinking that this might be the end, his bubble failing to form on his first two tries and only actually happening right before they hit the ground.

He sees the town and remembers it broken and splintered too many times, from too many enemies that crashed here or exploded because of them.

He sees his house and he remembers when the front of it was gone, remembers a monster exploding from his back and burning the whole time, tearing him in two and transforming him into what he’d truly felt like, at least in the moment.

There’s so many memories here, and not all of them are bad, but maybe they’ll heal better if he’s not here. If he’s not seeing and thinking about them constantly, practically picking at them, reopening his wounds again and again and again…

And he tells his therapist that, and she says, “Well, why don’t you take the next step?”

And he says, “What do you mean?”

And that’s how he comes home from therapy that day with the idea to move out. And he tells Connie, tentative and sure she’ll say he’s jumping the gun, just like when he proposed (he told his therapist about that too. He tells her everything. He never realized there were so many answers and explanations and comforting things to hear about the decisions and mistakes he’s made) but Connie supports him wholeheartedly. She’s even excited for him.

But then his anxiety bubbles back up because he wants to tell his dad next. And his therapist says not to push it down but to respond to it and — _why_ is he anxious?

Well, he thinks his dad is going to freak out. That he’ll panic about Steven’s tentative decision and Steven will change his mind in order to comfort him.

But he doesn’t have to make his decisions and shape his life for the comfort and happiness of other’s — he comes first. That’s what his therapist said. And everyone moves on at some point, it isn’t crazy if he does the same…

 _And_ his dad’s been extra supportive lately. And it’s not like he’ll never visit. And it’s not like he might never come back — who knows where he’ll want to settle down once he’s a real adult?

So he does tell him, and his dad is way more supportive than he could’ve imagined. He offers to drive around the country with him, both to keep him company and to tote his belongings around, but Steven feels like he needs to do this on his own. Like it’s some sort of self-discovering cross-country adventure, and his dad gets that, too. He just tells him he’s proud of him.

And it’s really, really good.

And sometimes Steven still feels anxious. Sometimes he still feels scared and small and overwhelmed. Sometimes he still feels like the bad things he’s done outweigh the good, and sometimes he still wakes up from nightmares with tears in his eyes, and sometimes he still looks into a mirror and for a second it looks shattered and he thinks he sees a monster instead of himself.

But then he takes a second to stop and to breathe and to think. To calm himself down using the techniques he’s learned and rationalize what he’s feeling.

And it’s good. It’s better.

And he’s good. He’s better.

He’s happy.


End file.
